Many Americans, and humans in general, Suffer from being abused of any type, and I fully believe that whatever abuse you suffer you can not truly begin to heal unless you come to terms with what the abuse took from you. Here's my story and how I began the everlasting process of healing.
I was abused at the age of 18 for a period of 5 months, It was the moment the forever defined for me who i was. It was traumatic and i was abused in every way imaginable. Once the rape and abuse was over and I was away from my attacker, I kept in silence for over a year, I wasn't going to allow his last and final threat to come true, that if i told anyone he would make me watch my family die.
So I suffered in silence to save my family, I put on a smile and acted as if everything was normal for their sake. This silence and bottling everything in was for me almost as horrifying and damaging as the actual abuse. I struggled in the last days of my silence tremendously, I became depressed, and it was killing me to live the lie of being happy when all i wanted to do was die inside.
After I had the nervous breakdown from holding everything in, i began treatment with a counselor/therapist and i began working on my issues, but it didn't work out, I never began feeling better or healing from the pain.
2 years and about 15 different therapist later, I met the therapist who changed my life. In my second session we really began to work on the things that happened to me. She ask me how i felt about things and what was going on in my mind, and i was thinking here we go again with the same things and normal routine of therapies that hadn't worked, because if it had of i wouldn't have been sitting there working with yet a new therapist. That's when this young girl not much older than I looked into my Eyes and told me the very thing that i needed to hear to begin my journey towards healing and happiness.
She told me " YOU CAN NOT HEAL FROM OR MOVE PAST THIS PAIN AND HURT UNTIL YOU BEGIN TO ACKNOWLEGE WHAT WAS TAKEN FROM YOU, IN THE RAPE, IN THE ABUSE, AND BY THE ATTACKER"
As I sat there taking in what she was saying, I knew deep down she was right. All these therapist gave me techniques on how to relax, control my thoughts, and gave me tons of coping skills, but none of them told me how to really deal with what had happened.
She asked me to go home and make a list of what had been stolen from me.
Here's what I came up with in for the next session.
1. My Virginity.
2.My youth.
3. My happiness.
4. My sense of Self.
5. My faith in me, in others, and humanity in general.
6. My Safety and my family's safety.
7. My peace of mind.
8. My heart.
9. Love
10. and the most important of all to me WAS HOW I DEFINED MYSELF.
11.My innocence.
The next session we went over every single thing on my list and then some. We talked about how I felt about each thing, and what its lost meant to me, and some ways that i could get those things back.
That very first session, with that brand new therapist, who had been out of college less than a year, and i was litterally one of her very first patients, I began my turning point, because she new the secret to beginning to heal, where therapist 2 times her age had not.
So I know rape is a hard thing to talk about and overcome and I still face obsticles myself everyday. But I was one of the lucky ones, I was able to get help, thousands and thousands of people suffer in silence like i did at first. and that Makes it 20 times worse.
So if you are suffering in Silence, or know someone who just cant seem to get past their pain onto happiness. ask that one question.
WHAT WAS TAKEN FROM YOU IN THE ABUSE? IN THE RAPE? AND BY YOUR ATTACKER? I have asked that question to those i told my story to, those that confided in me their own stories of and rape, and I was not the only one who had a breakthrough with that question.
a powerful song that describes the power of love and hate is from the band THE AVETT BROTHERS
The Ballad Of Love And Hate"
Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.
Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."
Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.
Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face.
Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.
Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink.
Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
Cause he might never see her again.
Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.
Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.
Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm your and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm your's and that's it, forever."
You're mine and that's it, forever.
lyrics from http://www.a-zlyrics.com/
Hate in the song symbolizes for me the way i felt before healing began, and Love in the song symbolizes that there is more than life than simply existing and making it from one day to the next.
I hope that whoever shall read this and has been through something similar to my expierence, finds the peace of mind to continue with life head on and happy, and not simply existing through what ever happens in life.
Go find your happiness and the things that you need to complete it. It often takes hard work and a hell of alot of self discovery and faith and love. But You can find your own happiness.
Until we Meet again.
The real Candie Wilson
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
How do you Define things?
How do you define things? The way we define things (words, meanings, yourself, everything) is what makes who we were. Everything in this world has a different meaning to each of us.
Example.
How do you define what an Artist is and therefore how do you define Art?
Webster defines artist as
Example.
How do you define what an Artist is and therefore how do you define Art?
Webster defines artist as
2
a : one who professes and practices an imaginative art b : a person skilled in one of the fine arts
3
: a skilled performer; especially : artiste
4
: one who is adept at something <con artist> <strikeout artist>
Equally Art is defined as
1
: skill acquired by experience, study, or observation <the art of making friends>
2
a : a branch of learning: (1) : one of the humanities (2) plural : liberal arts b archaic : learning, scholarship
3
: an occupation requiring knowledge or skill <the art of organ building>
4
a : the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects; also : works so produced b (1) : fine arts (2) : one of the fine arts (3) : a graphic art
5
a archaic : a skillful plan b : the quality or state of being artful
6
: decorative or illustrative elements in printed matter
Definitions taken from Webster.com
Both of these definitions can be found in any dictionary. But can any dictionary really capture the true meaning of any word. THE answer is NO, it most definitely cannot.
The simple truth is every word has a different meaning to a different person! Additionally every persons definition can change due to the circumstances going on at the moment they define whatever is in question.
My definition of an Artist and by extension Art, Is a person who puts their heart and soul into whatever creative endeavor that they attempt to conquer. and in return they get a work of art simply because they put their heart and soul and feelings into each piece, no matter how childish, how different or even how awful anyone else thinks it may be.
I am an artist, by no means of anyone elses standard, but my own. I can't freehand paint, draw beautiful pictures or make sculptors. However i can pick up a pre drawn picture, often those out of a coloring book, and i can make it look beautiful with paint. I can pick up fun fusion perler beads and express my feelings through them and put my heart into every placement of the beads. I can pick up what most people call kids crafts and make them mean something to myself and often others, therefore i am an Artist and create wonderful art.
Again I ask; What Defines you? Your outlook on the world, or the worlds outlook on what you love.
Do you do things only because you feel that they are appropriate for your age, or do you not do them because you feel others may laugh if they found out.
I urge everyone i meet to have one hobby that others may not understand, but its something you love. It can be anything creative, or not, just something you love. No ideas of anything to do, go to a local craftstore and look in the many isles of kids crafts, browse the net to find something you think you might like. and do it because its fun, dont be afraid that someone might not accept it.
My lastest thing in my long list of quirky fun projects is FUN FUSION PERLER BEADS. easy and relaxing all in the same way. can be done fairly quickly in four short easy steps. Wanna check them out for yourself. try http://www.funfusion.com/.
Find something that will make you happy, Don't worry about what others might think. Finding a way to a happy life is being you and being healthy and a big part of being healthy is being completely relaxed. So today I challenge you to go out and relax a little and find something fun for you to do.
THE REAL CANDIE WILSON
Testing 1-2-3!!!
Hello Everyone! This is my first expierence at blogging and I hope that everyone who reads it, takes at least one thing from it, and that is Terrible things happen to so many people, and we try to cover up alot of out past pains for fear of judgement, and that someone somewhere (maybe closer than you think) that understands.
A little bit about me just to kick things off. I was born in a small town, to a loving mother, and father who never was there. I grew up in a loving family with a brother and two sisters, and grandparents aunts and uncles who were always there for us. I was shy in highschool and somewhat reserved, but I still managed to speak my mind but only when it counted.
At 18 I was raped, I still don't feel comfortable to go into all the details, but it was over a period of time with physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. I was devestated, not only because I was hurt and scared, but also because this is how I lost my virginity.
I didn't speak out, and I didnt tell anyone for over a year, and the way I finally spoke up was I had a nervous breakdown. I hurt so deep inside, but I hid it, I put a smile on my face and acted like nothing had ever happened. After all if I forgot about it, I thought I would forget about it. Backfired needless to say.
My family decided that the next best thing would to be in a treatment facility for awhile. There I recieved a life changing diagnosis. Bipolar, PTSD, and A panic Disorder. Great another thing I had to hide, because of the stigma around mental Illness.
I hid for along time, I ran as far away from diagnosis as I could, Ran away from who I am, Hid the person who I really was.
It wasn't until 5 years ago that I began to learn who i was and then realize that even through all the pain and the craziness in my life that I was an amazing person that should never be hidden.
I started to open up more, and many things have happened in those five years, one was meeting the man who through all my pain, and my craziness, and my breakdowns that periodically still happen, WHO SAW ME FOR WHO I WAS NOT WHO I TRIED TO SHOW AND ENCOURAGED ME TO BE WHO I WAS WHEN NOONE WAS AROUND.
This blog is about my journey, about laughing through the tears, finding love, being yourself, and love who you are despite all the bad things that may have happened to you, or the people who told you to Change.
If only one person ever reads this and they find courage or make the decision to show the world who they really are then that will be just amazing. And even if no one ever reads this, My life will be forever changed and i have already Won because I finally jumped my last hurdle into to happiness, I'm SHOWIGN THE WORLD WHO I REALLY AM WHEN I THINK NO ONE IS LOOKING.
THE REAL CANDIE
A little bit about me just to kick things off. I was born in a small town, to a loving mother, and father who never was there. I grew up in a loving family with a brother and two sisters, and grandparents aunts and uncles who were always there for us. I was shy in highschool and somewhat reserved, but I still managed to speak my mind but only when it counted.
At 18 I was raped, I still don't feel comfortable to go into all the details, but it was over a period of time with physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. I was devestated, not only because I was hurt and scared, but also because this is how I lost my virginity.
I didn't speak out, and I didnt tell anyone for over a year, and the way I finally spoke up was I had a nervous breakdown. I hurt so deep inside, but I hid it, I put a smile on my face and acted like nothing had ever happened. After all if I forgot about it, I thought I would forget about it. Backfired needless to say.
My family decided that the next best thing would to be in a treatment facility for awhile. There I recieved a life changing diagnosis. Bipolar, PTSD, and A panic Disorder. Great another thing I had to hide, because of the stigma around mental Illness.
I hid for along time, I ran as far away from diagnosis as I could, Ran away from who I am, Hid the person who I really was.
It wasn't until 5 years ago that I began to learn who i was and then realize that even through all the pain and the craziness in my life that I was an amazing person that should never be hidden.
I started to open up more, and many things have happened in those five years, one was meeting the man who through all my pain, and my craziness, and my breakdowns that periodically still happen, WHO SAW ME FOR WHO I WAS NOT WHO I TRIED TO SHOW AND ENCOURAGED ME TO BE WHO I WAS WHEN NOONE WAS AROUND.
This blog is about my journey, about laughing through the tears, finding love, being yourself, and love who you are despite all the bad things that may have happened to you, or the people who told you to Change.
If only one person ever reads this and they find courage or make the decision to show the world who they really are then that will be just amazing. And even if no one ever reads this, My life will be forever changed and i have already Won because I finally jumped my last hurdle into to happiness, I'm SHOWIGN THE WORLD WHO I REALLY AM WHEN I THINK NO ONE IS LOOKING.
THE REAL CANDIE
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